Radical Nonviolence

What are the 5 THINGS you should AVOID using, in order to improve the way you communicate with others?

The 5 things you want to avoid when you’re communicating with others are Judgement, Criticism, Punishment, Reward, and Compromise. Let’s quickly go through each one of these and discuss WHY they will STOP you from getting what you want.

The first is Judgement. Judgement is anything you say or do that implies WRONGNESS on the part of the other person.

Nobody likes to feel wrong. And nobody likes to feel like they are being judged for what they think, believe, or do. Introducing judgement into communication only ensures that the person you are interacting with will become defensive and closed off to whatever perspective YOU are trying to share.

And in all likelihood, it will inspire them to try instead to prove that YOU are wrong. And that won’t make ANYONE feel heard or understood.

The second thing you want to avoid is Criticism. Criticism is similar to judgement, but instead of saying or implying that someone is WRONG, you are communicating that they are FAILING.

Nobody likes to feel like they aren’t doing a good enough job. And nobody enjoys feeling like a failure. When you communicate with someone in a way that comes across as critical, they may become defensive and try to prove they ARE doing a good enough job, or they may experience shame or embarrassment, which isn’t likely to inspire them to take positive action.

The third thing you want to avoid when interacting with people is Punishment. Punishment is using force or the threat of force against someone when they don’t do what you want them to. Do what I want, OR ELSE…

Even more than feeling wrongness or failure, people REALLY don’t want to be punished. People will even do things they otherwise WOULDN’T be willing to do, like lie, steal or even hurt people, in order to avoid punishment. But at minimum, punishment will NOT make people want to have positive interactions with you. Rather the opposite, it will often encourage people to assert their own need for autonomy by disobeying, and then taking actions to avoid punishment.

These last two items may seem counterintuitive at first, and this is why I call this “radical” nonviolence. But stick with me, and I’ll explain why they’re JUST as important as the first 3.

The fourth thing you want to avoid when interacting with people is Reward. Reward is the offer of something the other person wants, in exchange for them doing what you want.

Now this one doesn’t sound bad, does it? If you do something that you don’t really want to do for someone else, it would be nice to be rewarded, right?

Ok, but what if you DON’T do what they want? Then you are denied some act of kindness that was being offered, because you didn’t do what the other person wanted. How does that make someone feel? Ashamed? Judged? Like a failure?

Reward is essentially judgement, criticism, and punishment all rolled into one.

Finally, the fifth thing you want to avoid when interacting with people is Compromise. Compromise is agreeing to NOT get something YOU want, in exchange for someone else ALSO not getting something THEY want. It’s a lose / lose disguised as diplomacy.

At a foundational level, nonviolent communication is about identifying the NEEDS of each individual, and working together compassionately to find an outcome that will meet the needs of EVERYONE.

Finding a solution that ensures that EVERYBODY is sacrificing something may sound FAIR, but it certainly won’t create a lasting solution that satisfies every individual involved. Eventually, some new WANT will pop up in an attempt to satisfy the unmet need that was overlooked in the compromise, and the process of conflict will begin again.

Obviously this is a very BRIEF introduction to each of these items, and I will be discussing each of them individually in the future, but let’s briefly talk about what you CAN do, now that you have chosen to avoid these 5 pitfalls.

First, is to speak and listen with empathy. Instead of LOOKING for judgement and criticism in your communication with others (even if it IS there), try to identify the unmet NEED that is underneath what the person is saying or doing.

Most needs fall under one or more of the following categories: Connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning.

And finally, one important tool at your disposal when communicating with people in a nonviolent way is to REFLECT what the other person is trying to communicate, so they can feel UNDERSTOOD.

If you have managed not to judge or criticize the person you are communicating with, and you’re not trying to gain compliance using punishment, reward or compromise, why not take the opportunity to CONNECT with the other person, and tell them what you THINK they are trying to communicate with you? If what you reflect is NOT a correct representation of what they are trying to communicate, then you have learned something valuable, and you can ask for clarification until you DO accurately reflect what they are saying. Once you are able to say “this is what I think you’re trying to say” and the other person can say “Yes! That is EXACTLY what I mean!”, then you are well on your way to making sure that EVERYONE gets what they NEED from the interaction, even if they don’t end up getting what they WANTED.